Brilliant - comments(0)
Friday March 18, 2005 - 1:46PM EDT
Fucking brilliant day outside. It is only 50 degrees, which is still cold as balls but such a massive improvement over the trash that usually occurs.
Fucking brilliant day outside. It is only 50 degrees, which is still cold as balls but such a massive improvement over the trash that usually occurs.
Woke up early today. Want to get a lot done. It is still rather cold. 41 degrees but I guess I can deal with that, as long as it is sunny. Listed the things I have to do, as I so often do every once in a while to keep track of things. Hopefull I'll be able to knockout a good chunk of that list today.
There is nothing, I hate my life. No, I don't have enough energy left to hate my life, it is just blahh. Maybe I'll just forget about all these projects and get a dumpy apartment and work at the movie theather or best buy or some other spirit crushing place that requires zero real intelligence. I'll spend the rest of my days paying off loans, drinking girlie man liquor and writing blog entries.
No one has voted in my poll, you bastards vote!
I keep reading these stories about rich entrepreneurs or just plain rich people planning space travel. Bastards, I am supposed to be the space bounty hunting pioneer. Those bastards are going to beat me into space, fuck!
Usually when I am drunk my disposition is usually a bit better. But now I feel just as depressed as I have all day.
Man I am depressed, and powerless to not be depressed. Tomorrow I will wake up with hope but be crushed once again by 10:30am. At least I got the next episode of The O.C. to look foward to. The O.C. has replaced Melrose Place as my favorite primetime drama.
I'm drinking a bottle of peach chardonay straight from the bottle right now.
I removed the Now Playing section as it thoroughly sucked ass. I must check email at least 100 times a day. Seems like every 30 seconds I am clicking the send/receive button to see what new mail I've gotten. 90% of the time there is nothing. I've already done it twice since writing the first sentence. And there is nothing. I woke up this morning and though, today will be better. I was wrong today was the same as yesterday. I try to change things up, adjusting my attitude doing different things, but it always winds up the same, me sitting here writing in the blog. I didn't get shit done today, I was just too depressed. I did partially catch up on my finances in Quicken, though I still have two accounts to reconcile. I got a new recyle bin and finished shreddeding the pile of old bills and papers that has been sitting in my room for the past month.
Speaking of recyle bin. I went to the township administration building and when I walked in it had that same government office smell that is in all government offices. It also had the tenured old lady workers who manage to carry on extraneous conversations with their fellow tenured old lady collegues while assiting you with whatever you need. It must be some kind of superpower they have. They can assist you with whatever and never skip a beat in their conversations with each other about this person and what that person did. But usually they are all very polite unless it is a government building that has to do with parking enforcement or the DMV. I've never been to a parking enforcement office that wasn't populated with hard-asses.
I'd go see a movie but that is only a brief escape from the blank reality. I wish I lived in the city, that way I could go to a bar and get drunk, pass out on the counter, they would throw me out and at least I could walk home. When I get depressed I sleep a lot, which is not good because it does nothing I just wake up feeling like I've wasted even more of my life by sleeping the past 2 hours. I just checked email again. I must have replied to over 200 job postings in the past few months. And I've gotten one callback. The only calls I get are from the odd recruiter going through searches on various job sites, never from positions I actually replied to. My replied vary from having well thought out cover letters to...who gives a fuck, the whole job application process is bogus anyway, most recruiter and people who hire for technology are idiots and don't hire even know what the job requires. I did get one job offer, for someplace that was an hour and half drive, that was in clear traffic, it would take two for rush hour. Was only paying $25/hr for that long ass commute and the $200/week gas cost that comes with it. It was also the dumpiest most depressing looking work place I've ever seen. Big ass call center right across from some shitty apartments that look like the place I used to live when I was 7 years-old. They did telemarketing for cable companies, I couldn't think of a more horrible place to work. In two weeks it would have probably have been the worst workplace killing spree in the history of the United States. When I arrived in the parking lot for the interview I didn't even want to go inside, I just wanted to leave and never come back. People were nice though, I can't say anything bad about them. It just looked like a place where losers go to finish the rest of their pathetic lives. Maybe I should have taken the job.
I don't know what to do with myself right now so I'll just continue to type. I am listening to my Frou Frou cd as background ambience. It is actually rather happy music for someone so depressed. I have my third glycolic peel treatment on thursday, they don't seem to be helping I still have those annoying skin discoloration acne scar spots all over my face, I hate that shit. I'll finish all six treatments before I come to a verdict though.
I hate this cold weather. I get so depressed that I don't even want to drink. I've seen all the movies I want to see already, though I'd like to see Constantine again. King have been a slow movie season. Constantine was the only movie I was really excited about seeing in the past few months. There have been some entertaining movies no doubt but few that get me excited about going to the movies. Mainly because it is the same tired formula. Like that movie Hostage, it may be good, but I don't want to see it, because I already did when it was called Die Hard. I've seen that kind of movie too many times already, give me something different. This is kind of the same thing with Million Dollar Baby, which was a good movie, but it doesn't make me want to get up and see it. It was the same movie formula that is always out there, albeit one that was done extremely well. Sometimes I though you could rely on foreign films to provide something different, but not recently. Motorcyle Diaries which I heard was good, but it isn't ground breaking it looks like your standard biopic. Even the comic book translation genre is begining to age. That movie Sin City just doesn't look all that interesting, I'll see it but I am not expecting much. First of all personally I don't like a visually muddled picture and that is what the trailers make it look like. Even though it is supposed to be completely enhanced by computer animation the shots from the trailer make it so you can barely see the details in what is happening. I would have thought in a comic book adaptation that is what makes it interesting, the minute details and how the film makers represent them, because when you read comics you have to imagine them yourself, movies are supposed to present you with the complete world already, no need to imagine anything. Other times you see a movie simply for who is in it. Sometimes the movie sucks other times you are plesantly surprised. Collateral was an interesting movie that was a little different and made me want to see it. I can't think of a movie like it. I'm just in a bad mood I don't know what I am saying about these movies, I'll revisit at a later date. Just checked email again. Nothing.
I am getting better at organization and time mangement but I still suck at it. Today I totally forgot about my doctor's appointment, even though the reminder card was sitting on my desk right in front of me. Nothing much went on today as usual. Worked on websites, very slowly getting them done, but making progress. Working on dutchhuff.com right now and should finish that this week. Getting a bit annoyed that I haven't worked on the software in about a week. Nothing is going on with it so I guess it is ok, but I can't let it stagnate. This weekend has to be the weekend where I start on the enhancements. I have a lot of ideas for enhancements and want to work through them to make sure I make it good. I also got some things to test out to make it even easier to use. All these projects and websites are good and all but I don't make enough money on them right now. Maybe I could if I was a bit more organized and actually tried to go out and find freelance work. Fuck, I need a job, ha.
The only place I went today was the gym, so I have no interesting anecdotes. Why do I continue to wake up everyday with hope that something good will happen? My spirit is crushed over and over again everyday. I just wake up, workout and work on websites. See or talk to a friend occassionally and that is it. My expectations are too high. I should lower them and just accept my journey on the path to Loserville.
Right now at 1:49am EDT I'm alternating between writing this blog entry, glancing at whatever is on cartoon network at the moment and staring at the ceiling wondering why the hell I am so pathetic. Actually I don't wonder why anymore I just lament the fact. I'll be 24 soon, damn I am a loser and I am powerless to stop being one.
I woke up late today. I have a lot to do. Need to work on a website and return some calls. It is still too damn cold outside. I guess I am getting things done but it is just so slow. Just need to finish this one site then it is back to working on the software along with various tech support for other client sites. At least the sun is out and I got rebate checks to deposit.
It is pretty late and I am about to go to sleep. I didn't drink all that much, just one whiskey soda on the rocks. I want laser eye surgery so I don't have to worry about contacts anymore.
So last week I was supposed to meet someone but she never called back and I guess I just kind of gave up. I guess it could be just being busy or just blowing me off, either way. So should I just give up completely or make another attempt at calling. I only left one message, but it never seemed like she was that enthusiastic about it anyway. I don't want to be that guy who just keeps calling and doesn't know when to give up. Then again, tonight I was sitting in the diner and this chain smoking old man keeps talking to me about random stuff, like he never has anyone else to ever talk to. I don't want to be that guy either. I'm fucked. On a side-note I think I have tackled my winter dandruff problem by using massive amounts of conditioner in the shower to keep my scalp moisturized. Those anti-dandruff shampoos didn't do anything, it is just the dry air so prevalent in the winter. Back to me being those guys. I don't want to be either of them. I've leave it up to internet polling(on the right of this page). I'm scrwed.
I have started the process of making the custom blog software I used into a distributable PHP package. With that I have also begun the enhancing the software in certain sections and organizing it into MVC structure. Coming soon are comments and pictures for each blog. Don't know when they will be active but over the next few months those enhancements will begin to appear.
I'm ending the night with whiskey and soda. The news says that 9 people were killed in Philadelphia this weekend in less than 48hrs. I just wonder if every weekend this happens it is just that this weekend they higlight it because of the other killings that got press around the country. When they reported the killings they made it a point to make comparisons to the other places around the country and used the title "Violent Weekend". They spoke gravely of the situation but I got this sinister feeling from them as if they were trying to tout Philadelphia is being as deadly as the rest of the high profile towns that had killings recently. They were almost proud of it. In fact I know they were proud of it. It seemed as if they didn't even realize what they were doing, it was like some type of sickening pissing contest of who has the most violent town. Show me some fucking crime statistics and 9 people dead in one weekend is proabably low. It just pathetic to think that they just don't realize what they are saying.
I've been drinking whiskey and writing and working on a website for the past few hours now. Hopefully I'll pass out when I am finished working on the website. Whiskey freaking smells like ass.
Tonight I should have finished cutting the music for a webpage. It will only take about 30 mins to do and I have the page layout complete. All I need to do is cut the files and upload them. But I just couldn't get up to do it. I turned on the sound editing computer and started the program and imported the files, but for some illogical reason I just couldn't do it. My mind was ocuppied with other things and I just couldn't focus enough on this task (sorry huff). So as always when this type of thing happens I go to the movies. I go to the movies a lot, so this happens a lot.
I've been thinking recently about the notion of hard work. You know what I am talking about, hard work to get somewhere or accomplish something. Along with that notion I remeber what a former boss of mine used to say, "I don't like to work hard, I like to work smart." So I take that tidbit and the notion of hard work that one hears so much from everybody. Then I come to the overwhelming criticism of my generation from the previous generations about being lazy and whatnot and not wanting to work hard. So, maybe such criticism isn't exclusive to my generation but is the general tone between generations. I think about the raging criticism, and in it something gets lost. Within the cacaphony of those touting the benefits of hard work or those that decry the slovenliness of not working hard being the reason for certain detriments something is completely lost. The focus becomes hard work. Hard work? That is what you hear. Some harp on this hard work and I am begining to seriously question that. I keep going back to the quote from my former boss. No one wants to work hard. Working hard is bullshit and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Never work because it is hard or work for the sake of working. That is just plain stupid. When I heard the past generations decry our laziness I didn't know what to think. Now I just want to laugh. I don't think such criticisms are leveled with the meanings they seem to have. Something gets lost. The previous generation look at what has changed and question our commitment our work ethic. We live those changes and wonder what the hell these clowns are talking about. Life isn't static. One doesn't need to plow the fields everyday. Lets be sure for a second and say that in some cases it is as simple as working hard, but don't get to excited with that. Hard work is in the background, a byproduct. Something that doesn't need to be mentioned. It will affect nothing by saying it or not saying it. This whole rant is in relation to the general rebellion towards work-life that is taking place. We don't want to slave at desks for hours on end doing jackshit. Maybe our parents did it but it doesn't mean we have to(no matter how much some people say we do), we have to progress and move on. Maybe they are just bitter at wasting their lives...nah they're not bitter(at least most of them aren't...I think) they just don't know what else there is. Because they slaved away we know there is much more and we can do better, so quit the criticism it helps no one (and make you look like the stupid one in my opinion)
I saw Million Dollar Baby. I was good. It won a bunch of Oscars and deservedly so but it wasn't the kind of film that sticks in my mind. It was one of those simple films with just a few main characters that I like. Quiet with no thumping music or loud sounds. Simple plot nothing edgy, just raw, but not ultra-raw, movie raw, just enough grit to make you feel it but not so much to make you cringe. I guess it was a sad ending, but I didn't really feel anything. The movie waws like it followed all the rules of movie making to a T and did it great but it just wasn't ambitious in trying new things. It was like the movie was seemlessly put together from many different movies. The underdog athelete story, the inspirational trainer, the broken down old man, the guilt ridden old man, the poor waitress. It was made up of characters you've seen before in a story that is all to familiar but the characters were combined. The poor waitress was also the underdog athelete, the guilt ridden old man was also the inspirational trainer. The main characters were deep and you wanted to know more about them. It was a great movie, I don't know what else to say.
Oh yeah, today I saw a Toyota Prius(hybrid electric vehicle) with a vanity license plate that read "BOO OPEC". I thought it was funny.
Do not answer the number 801-494-1992. It is the number of a market research firm and it could have you answering questions about who knows what company. The company is called WesternWats or something, I hear they do Kinkos' research and political polling. Either way, just don't answer it. Just about finished these two websites, then I can start working on the software again and begin setup of my test server for the new project. I'm really excited about this new project for so many reasons. First it is a solid idea that I've already processed for while so it isn't just came up with it last week. Also it will give me a chance to do a lot of new things with Linux/Apahce/MySQL setup and administration. It will be a good experience and skill building project. I've also always wanted to make the switch to Linux for my everyday use. Because when I consider the applications I use everyday, I don't need windows. With the exception of Adobe Photoshop I don't need Windows for anything exclusively. I guess I can lear to use The Gimp but I don't know how that compares to Photoshop. One of the main reasons I want to use Linux is to design my own UI. I want something more intuitive and less intrusive. I want a UI that is almost transparent to the information you need. I feel that UIs today are to cluttered with extraneous crap and don't focus on the actual data enough. And don't have nearly the amoutn of data manipulation functionality that I'd like to see. I guess they will advance but I want to try and design my own. And I liked Microsofts idea of integrating the browser into the OS, in fact I think the web browser should be the centerpiece of the OS with auxilary apps to handle specialized operation(music, graphics editing, etc..) I think that most applications should use an HTML/CSS engine for UI layout or just be browser based and have more connetivity to the internet or some type of network. Also every OS file system should be built upon a relational database. Which is actually the trend for the future but we are not there yet. I don't plan to make all these things a part of the UI I design in Linux. Mainly I just want something really nice looking and powerful. Something that has all the things I use regularly easily accessible. Maybe I'll work on a KDE that has similar functionality to the software. Honestly I just don't like the Windows XP UI colors, they freaking suck. Mac OSX is much better looking, though I haven't used it that much because I don't have a mac. The one thing that OSX doesn't do that windows does is the right click, which is the only thing I think Windows UI does better than Mac OS.
I will be adding a music section to this webpage. Basically it will be a control on the left for you to listen to the actuall music in my listening to section. I own all the CD's so that is not a problem. I wonder if letting people listen will be a problem. Ah well, enjoy.
Once again I am digusted with humans. This time it didn't come about for any particular reason, just a general malaise with people. Unless there is a radical change I don't see humans surviving a extinction level event such as an asteroid or super volacanic eruption. Do you realize that we can make those things a non-factor in human survival, but we squable over other things that are "more important." Maybe my expectations are just way to high for humans in general, I should focus my attention on finding super intelligent whales to takeover as the dominant species.
I've started putting wheat germ in my oatmeal. Doesn't affect the taste and is supposed to be good for you, right? Anyway, I should start putting wheat germ in everything I eat. Or better yet, if and when I have kids I'll make them put wheat germ in everything they eat when they are young. In fact I'll harp on putting wheat germ in everything and make up tall tales about the benefits of wheat germ, so that when I restrospective is done on my life I'll be known as the wheat germ guy.