Friday March 19, 2010 - 7:05PM EDT
What can I say. Life is great! Certain things can be better, but overall, I've never been happier than I am right now.
Tuesday January 12, 2010 - 10:04PM EDT
Haven't blogged in a long time. Really long time. Going back over my last few entries. Wow I was really feeling like a full sack of garbage. Damn.
Sunday August 30, 2009 - 11:34PM EDT
Monday July 27, 2009 - 2:19AM EDT
My couch is black. What do I do? I don't know. I'm just sitting here wondering why I've been such a loser all the time.
Sunday May 24, 2009 - 4:24AM EDT
What do I say? I don't know. What do I do? I don't know.
Friday March 6, 2009 - 5:10AM EDT
Went to an Argentinian Mexican restaurant tonight. Had the mixed grill plate. Was a solid offering. It was a good restaurant would go back there again.
Thursday March 5, 2009 - 8:40PM EDT
Sun has been a blog entry title too many times. Doesn't matter can't think of anything right now.
Tuesday March 3, 2009 - 1:17AM EDT
I went to the MET yesterday for the first time. That place is huge. I don't often take time to look at paintings and other art. It impresses me. I was glad I went. I need to go there again sometime.
Friday February 27, 2009 - 4:40AM EDT
I used to be one to go to bed at 5am now I get up at 5am and like it. I have to wake up early, I don't like going into work late at all. I like getting there early when there is no one there and no ambient cube noise. I think my knees were hurting because I was going too hard on the bike at the gym. I wasn't even going that hard, but enough to make my knees hurt apparently.
Damn I lead a lonely life. I'm sure it is not the loneliest but as it continues I don't know whether I get used to it or it just slowly chips away at me that I care less.
Monday February 23, 2009 - 11:05AM EDT
Today is going to be rough.It is already. It may get worse before it gets better.
Monday February 23, 2009 - 4:46AM EDT
My knees hurt. Not sure why though. It is a dull pain. I am not in the best ways right now. I'm a solitary person but sometimes it grates on me. I am very up and down right now, but that is just typical me. It seems like a big hinderance that I can never find a lasting levelness. There have been times for sure where I've been level for a while but it always comes crashing down, for reasons that make no sense, reasons that I don't understand or recognize.
I do know one thing though, and that is that I love her. I thought I was in love once a long time ago, but that wasn't it, I don't know what that was.This is different, but it doesn't feel whole yet and I recognize that. I feel something growing and intense. I still have questions about the future but this I know is real. I'm so inexperienced here though, much farther behind than I want to be. I trying to overcome that and learn. I desperately want to be and am trying to become the best I can for her.
Honestly I don't know what love is or what it implies when you are with someone. I know what I feel and have clues but I'm not sure. I know that I think about her a lot, about how she is doing. I know that I just want to be around her and talk to her. I know that I want to see her progress and become better. Aging together sounds like a pretty good deal. When I think of a life with her I lose my fears about death and getting old. I think time spent with her would be a pretty damn good existence. I feel like with her I could find a level of peace and contentedness that I've never known. She would make the mundane things that I hate in life more bearable. I don't know what else. Are all these things just a diluted fantasy? I fantasize a lot and I know fantasy. This is different, I think about what it could be like but those thoughts are based on a feeling that is tangible.
Real love should be shared, reciprocated. I'm not in that place to do that now, don't know if I will get that chance again. I need to work on myself and trust what I feel don't let my mind games get in the way.
It is like I am starting over again, like I've been redone into something else. My mind is different. I think it was gradual but at the same time the shift was sudden. I don't know what changed inside me that I feel this way now. It just happened, but also I feel like I made a choice, as if I saw something or recognized something and decided that this was it, she was it. I know that I love her and it is not going to disappear.
Friday February 20, 2009 - 11:44PM EDT
I think how can I extract so little from so much. It pathetic. I am a loser in disguise. Disguise of someone who looks like they are better than they are. I don't deserve anything, not even life, but that would be a gift to take away life so I am doomed to live a pathetic existence. Maybe an asteroid will hit the earth and I don't have to worry about it anymore.
Wednesday February 18, 2009 - 9:31PM EDT
So I read this article on a small study about loniless. One of the results discovered was that people who are lonely don't have as much activity in their reward center of their brain. There was still the lingering question of whether loneliness causes the lower reward response or the intrisic low reward response trigerred behvhoir or led directly to feeling lonely. Regardless of that answer I can tell you from my experience that feeling disconnected or lonely makes things seem less affectual. You just don't care about things. Things that should provide a lift or benefit don't. Things are worth nothing to you. The study went on to hypothesize further that such reduction in reward response from loneliness may be remnants of our evolutionary past where survival depended on being part of a group. Not being part of the group essentially meant death. Today we don't need the same close human groups to physically survive but mentally we have't evovled our brains differerntly yet. All I can say is I didn't need a study and a damn article to tell me that shit.
Monday February 16, 2009 - 5:21PM EDT
Few nights ago I went to a place called Barcade. It in fact was a bar inside what was a converted car repair garage. But that is not the draw of the place. Lined along its walls are about 25 old school arcade machines. I'm talking Galaga, frogger, gauntlet, outrun, etc... Old school stuff. Only a quarter to play. Personally I'd like to see some newer games or even old home systems to play themselves. It had its charm for sure, the old arcade games were enjoyable but not a modern gamers paradise. Different from your normal bar. To have only spent $8 dollars there ($5 on a beer, $3 on games) it was the most bang for your buck I have gotten at a bar in a while.
Sunday February 15, 2009 - 11:42PM EDT
There is someone I love very much. It took me a long time to realize how important this person is to me, maybe too long. I am trying to take it a day at a time. Let her know how much I love her and that she is the most special person there is. I know what I feel inside is true and just needs its complement to be complete. But I try not to worry about that. Just offer her my love and if it is meant to be then she will return hers. I believe it is and I trust that it will come someday.
Thursday February 12, 2009 - 12:36PM EDT
It still is hard. Can I make it to the weekend without falling. Next week will be the worst.
Thursday February 12, 2009 - 4:32AM EDT
The days are hard to get through. I am trying not to dwell on mistakes and just move ahead with the slim hope that we might be together. It is hard though, that spectre of not being with her again is hard to shake and would be devestating. I can't think of it. I miss her a lot even though we communicate daily. I want to better myself for her and make her happy. But that final decision is hers not mine. It hurts everday. But I must hold on to some hope. And if it doesn't work out accept total devestation.
Monday February 9, 2009 - 6:04AM EDT
My mind is a mess right now. Too many things going through my head. How can I look forward? So hard. What do I do?
Monday February 9, 2009 - 5:04AM EDT
For all the mundane facts and trivia in my head I have deficits 10 times greater in other areas. I'm still learning things and sometimes that learning process hurts other people, which is regrettable. My head hurts and that is not the only thing. Time for bed, tomorrow won't be any better but at the very least it is a new day.
Sunday February 8, 2009 - 6:56AM EDT
I just want to drive off a cliff. Not really. But I don't want to live the way I have been living. I almost don't want to live anymore, that faint trickle of what you might call hope and some ragged obligation to some very mundane things is keeping me alive. That is probably an exageration because I don't think I have even the motivation to not live. I don't want to kill myself, no I don't. But it wouldn't bother me if for whatever reason while sitting somewhere I just ceased to be alive. Everyone probably wishes for such a peaceful death so who am I kidding.
What have I done with my life over the past 10 years. I guess I have accomplished a fair amount, I really don't have much of a standard anymore. It just all seems worthless. For whatever good things I have or have done I have countered them by just being a loser playing loserball 100 times over.
She is not worthless though. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. I need to stop lamenting my past ignorance though, it doesn't really help. I know I've changed in a very short period of time. Radically changed inside. I don't know why or how but I can feel it. She doesn't think so and really who would think so either. I'm very odd, even though that is no excuse, I find that it leads to unwanted trouble sometime. Who would believe in change after such a long period of asshole behavior.
I'm sitting here 1:30 in the morning with an assload of work to finish for Monday that I don't know how I am going to finish and all I can think about is giving up living or being with her. There is nothing but her. She is feeling sad too, but not for the same reasons I am. I feel like it is partially(all maybe) my fault how bad she feels right now, I didn't give her what she needed. Stop lamenting, nothing you can do now. I want to make her happy even just a little bit but I can't. Maybe it is selfish of me to think that I can. I don't know how to feel or what to do. All I know is that I love her and she doesn't want to be with me. As much as I want to comfortable with her wishes it is very hard. I'm not good at waiting for some things to resolve themselves. I don't know how to act toward her or how much space I should give her in her own sadness.
I love her so much but because of what I did (or didn't do) I have prevented myself from making her believe it. I want her to know how great she is and how good she makes me feel but I feel like sometimes she wants no part of me anymore. But that could be my own impatience and selfishness. I just feel an impending doom. I hope I am wrong though. All I can do it wait and hope it doesn't destroy me.
I need to get some sleep if I am going to have any chance of focusing on work. Time to have some nightmares before tomorrow. I can't focus on anything, I hate this. I need to sleep, maybe I'll feel better in the morning, probably not.