Knees

Monday February 23, 2009 - 4:46AM EDT

My knees hurt. Not sure why though. It is a dull pain. I am not in the best ways right now. I'm a solitary person but sometimes it grates on me. I am very up and down right now, but that is just typical me. It seems like a big hinderance that I can never find a lasting levelness. There have been times for sure where I've been level for a while but it always comes crashing down, for reasons that make no sense, reasons that I don't understand or recognize.

I do know one thing though, and that is that I love her. I thought I was in love once a long time ago, but that wasn't it, I don't know what that was.This is different, but it doesn't feel whole yet and I recognize that. I feel something growing and intense. I still have questions about the future but this I know is real. I'm so inexperienced here though, much farther behind than I want to be. I trying to overcome that and learn. I desperately want to be and am trying to become the best I can for her.

Honestly I don't know what love is or what it implies when you are with someone. I know what I feel and have clues but I'm not sure. I know that I think about her a lot, about how she is doing. I know that I just want to be around her and talk to her. I know that I want to see her progress and become better. Aging together sounds like a pretty good deal. When I think of a life with her I lose my fears about death and getting old. I think time spent with her would be a pretty damn good existence. I feel like with her I could find a level of peace and contentedness that I've never known. She would make the mundane things that I hate in life more bearable. I don't know what else. Are all these things just a diluted fantasy? I fantasize a lot and I know fantasy. This is different, I think about what it could be like but those thoughts are based on a feeling that is tangible.

Real love should be shared, reciprocated. I'm not in that place to do that now, don't know if I will get that chance again. I need to work on myself and trust what I feel don't let my mind games get in the way.

It is like I am starting over again, like I've been redone into something else. My mind is different. I think it was gradual but at the same time the shift was sudden. I don't know what changed inside me that I feel this way now. It just happened, but also I feel like I made a choice, as if I saw something or recognized something and decided that this was it, she was it. I know that I love her and it is not going to disappear.