What I am doing

Wednesday October 5, 2005 - 11:51PM EDT

I've had plenty of the ranting posts on various topics. I've had the depressed give up posts. I've had the angry at my crappy life situation posts. I've had all different kinds of posts. Well is this one going to be different? Hell no, since when do I change for the better. You figure out what category this shit goes under. My head is filled with the usual cluster of thoughts what comes out in this email is really up to chance or whatever. I'd like to start by saying that I am eating fried clams and drinking the cheapeast strawberry flavored white zinfandel I could find. Yeah it taste like soda and that is why I drink it. I'm watching a Current Affair and the story is former strippers who found god and started preaching to other strippers. All I can think about when I see these well endowed blondes is sex. And I ain't getting any right now and it fucking sucks. This blog is my therapist and I'll quote Tony Cox in Bad Santa "you need many many years of therapy". Yup I need many years of therapy. Fuck. Where was I. Oh yeah what I am doing tonight. Eating fried clams mainly because I want to get rid of them from my refridgerator. I've always tried to eat well the last 3 years or so but ever since my dad discovered some weird heart problems that may be genetic I've ramped up my healthy eating. He might need a pacemaker. I don't need that kind of shit. Maybe it is the reason I always seemed to be out of breath when I was a kid and the chest pains I get every once in a while. I don't know, that reminds me I need to make a doctors appointment. Where was I. Oh yeah my pathetic life. I should drink more often, it numbs the pain. But I don't, I should but I don't. Everyday at work I say to myself I am going to have a drink, at home or swing by the local watering hole. But I don't. I go home and wash clothes, cook diner, read some and work on some websites for a little. Pathetic. Drinking really takes the edge of. I should have drank more in college. I would have had more fun, instead of the depressing drag through the mud it was, made good friends though and learned Japanese. Its true ladies and gentlemen alchol equals fun. It is not some sort of advertising gimmick, it actually happens, no matter what your local D.A.R.E. teacher says. Now I'm just alone in a big fucking townhouse going to work with no hot women or at least women who want nothing to do with me. I come home every weekday to a big empty house and I am hit in the face with the stale stench of failure. Just finished my bottle of wine, all 450 empty calories. I didn't eat much today, too freaking depressed. I'm drunk, but not really drunk. Still depressed. I have work tomorrow though and need to get new tires because I got two flats, fuck. My head is empty, what else is there to say. Nothing. For now at least.