Noise...
Friday February 25, 2005 - 1:45AM EDT
I was just remebering my first summer job in 9th grade working at SmithKline Beecham doing computer support. One of the guys I worked with would say that you should practice using windows without a mouse so just in case you didn't have a mouse you wouldn't be stuck. I've never heard anyone else say that since, but since then I have always taken that advice and it has helped me out in a few situations. I kind of laugh inside a little when over the years when I've worked with other techs who always need a mouse and are lost without one. Well maybe not lost exactly but begin to harp on "where's the mouse."
I don't know. I don't like taking an objective look at my life. It's depressing. My personal standards are outrageously unachievable. I'm annoyed that I can't speak Japanese, Chinese and Spanish fluently even though I have studied all of them for more than 2 years. I really should be able to and be working on more languages. I'm angry that I never buckled down and studied calculus and physics with any real gusto (if I want to build a spaceship I need those). It gets to me that although I am an educated writer I never took writing seriously enough to become a good writer. My writing is so slipshod it is pathetic sometimes. It just feels like at 23 I should have done more by now. That sounds crazy, I'm only 23 right. You're supposed to say these things... I don't know when, fuck. I'm mad that I don't remeber all the biology I learned in honors Bio in high school. There was some really important stuff in that class about a lot of things and I don't remeber all of it. This whole things sounds crazy, like I am some arrogant bastard. Just feels like I...wasted? Wasted? Is that what I want to say, wasted? Maybe not wasted. I've such a laid back approach to a lot of things, except for certain things that I obsess over. I am so broke and have no prospects of a job. Well I could just get any job, but can't I find something that I like doing in a decent work environment. I don't know. It's snowing here again and I hate it. I say I want to make movie, right. I do, lets be sure about that, but hollywood movies, there seems to be so much attached to it, what do I know about hollywood movies besides the product I see on the screen. I don't know. Seems like there is some strange attachment to most things in life, but sensless attachments. There are many things one can accept as apart of a situation but people take the acceptance too far sometimes. Sometimes senseless things get done because of this blanket acceptance of "strings attached." Then when you try to do something without those sensless attachments you get criticized, ostracized, looked at stupidly. I guess I still can't believe that most people don't ferociously question everything that ever happens in their life like I do. Maybe that's why my head hurts so much, ha.
I've got plenty of ideas right now so that is not a problem. Turning them into something worthwhile is another issue. More importantly is the fact that I am broke and living in my parents house leeching off them. I gotta stop that and either crawl back to THE MAN for a job or turn one of the ideas into something. Guess which one is going to happen first, ha. I just want to pay off my school loans and stop living in my parents house without having to let THE MAN shove his agenda up my ass. I just want to contribute to soceity without damaging it in the process or being called out because your not trying to screw people out of their dollar. Fuck I'm bored right now. And can't sleep or focus enough to do anything productive. What am I doing? I am sitting here at 2:30 am lauging over dilbert comics. Damn I am such a loser.